Sunday, February 15th, 2009
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10:02 pm
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I am incredibly stupid... this should not bother me... but it does...
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Thursday, February 12th, 2009
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2:51 pm - Happiness
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So first of all I would like to share that I got a 100 on my Anatomy lab practical...(taking successive bows) I was freaking out over it and I did wonderful and I promised myself that if I got an A I would buy the twilight soundtrack for myself. So I got to do that... :) So that is downloading through Itunes as we speak. The other people in my class did not do as well and now everyone asks me questions. haha. As long as I can keep this up I should be able to get into the nursing program.
So it is America's Next Top Model time. The new cast members pics were posted... I like to take snap judgments of the pictures and then give another judgment after the first or second episode. So for my snap judgments I made three catagories. I like, I dont like, So so.
I dont like...
Aminat - that first picture turned me off. No one wants to see up your nose and you are not as cute.
Celia - First her picture looks as if she smells something foul and second she looks like a man
Kortnie - Something I cant put my finger on bothers me about this girl...
London - She looks like every other girl I see walking down the street nothing differnt
Natalie - She has a European face in a bad way
Teyona - Drag Queen
So-So
Alison - She is a weird cute like an anime character I would like to see what she does.
Isabella - There is just something cute about her
Jessica - She has a really weird jaw but she may have something
Sandra - She needs a weave or have what they did to Bianca done otherwise she would be fine.
I like
Fo - So pretty I hope she does well
Nijah - Very strong features
Tahlia - Girl Next door cute, Hot hair
current mood:  accomplished
current music: Full Moon - Black Ghosts
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Monday, February 9th, 2009
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6:32 pm
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Tomorrow is my big lab test. I am a mix of confident and freaking out. I know what I am supposed to know to a certain extent but I am afraid I will make stupid mistakes. For one I am scared I will inaccurately identify a tissue type and consequently get all three questions that go along with it wrong because I misidentified the first. Second I am afraid of the tip of the tongue syndrome. Where I know it and I cant recall it. It is not a multiple choice test you either no it or you do not. If I get an A I am buying the CD I want for Itunes. The twilight soundtrack... because I am a dork.
I am falling behind on the 50 books of 2009 challenge I decided to take on. I am only at three and on my 4th and it is already February. I will have to catch up during breaks. I think it is awesome that I have read a book since school started at all. I dont always have time to read but I can only study so long and when I have a break I like to watch movies with Kyle or read. Right now I am reading "The Story of B" I am very interested at the moment. I want to go read it now actually. I should be studying but I feel like I am beating a dead horse and I know what I know at this point. I need to engage in over-learning but I have trouble doing that. I am just antsy to get the test over with. Tomorrow... Tomorrow. I really hope for an A.
We did look at the house and we liked it. There would not be a lot of work to do. Taxes wouldn't be the best but New York state in general does not have the best Taxes. Kyle is not sure about living in a neighborhood. I have always lived in a neighborhood so it doesn't bother me. The only thing that bothers me about the house is that there is "three bedrooms" but one of the rooms isn't really like a bedroom and there is not a real dining area. Kyle said if we liked that house we could always make the mud room off of the house an actual room and turn it into a dining room. I think Kyle would like more land. The house actually has a pretty nice sized yard. I told Kyle we don't have to run off and pick one right away. We just don't want to lose a good one if we find one but both of us have a few different ideas of what it should be like. But that one would do if need be. I do like it. Kyle likes it too he is just not wowed. He is wowed by how little we would have to do once we got it but not sure if that is "the" house. We will see. I am excited about the process. If we did pick that house I know exactly how we would set it up. I think I would like anything haha.
current mood:  pensive
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Thursday, February 5th, 2009
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5:47 pm
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Just to clear things up I am well aware whose house it would be. But he wants me to be there and pick with him. If we were to break up it would be his. I do not have an issue with that at all. If we broke up I would have to go on my own, but that is the whole point of breaking up. I do not appreciate people treating me like I am not aware of things. This is not here to be criticized. Don't spend the time reading it if I seem so stupid to you in the first place...
I am very happy otherwise today because I got a 100 on my psych test. I am trying really hard and I love when it is evident through my grades. It is still early so here is too keeping it up. I cant even concentrate because I am so annoyed with people... way to ruin a good mood. All anonymous comments are being filtered now...
I hope to prove everyone wrong
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Tuesday, February 3rd, 2009
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9:46 pm
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Ok so officially we are looking at a house on Sunday!! Friday Kyle has a meeting to meet with a person to help him get pre-approved for a mortgage. It may take a while to find a house that is just the right price but we have the ball rolling. I cant wait to start decorating my house. Being able to be intimate my boyfriend in a typical way. I cant wait to feel free to invite friends over to my house. To have get togethers. To be able to host a book club night at my house. Just little things I have missed the in the last year and some. I will be able to entertain again and just be over all happier. I said that I wanted 2009 to be better and so far it is getting much better everyday.
I just want to make something very clear. Against popular belief I am WELL aware that I do not have a ring. If one more person makes reference to this lack to glitter on my hand I may become I irate. If Kyle wants to do it he will do it on his time. You can tell me until you are blue in the face that you think we should get married but quite frankly I want him to ask me, I want him to really want to. I do not want him to be pushed or pressured into it. That is not saying that I hope that he wants to at some point but I do not have control over his wants. It is called free will. The fact that he wants to get a house together and experience that together I think shows a level of commitment to me. We have been together two years its not like its been 5+ never seeing an end. So my point is that I am aware leave me alone. I can whine about it when I want to but other people should not be... I have heard it twice in the last 24 hours. It is one thing to get it from my mother because she has my best interest at heart but my friends can back off. thank you.
current music: weeping willow - The hush sound
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Sunday, February 1st, 2009
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10:22 am - Puppy Love and Houses
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So the last few days have felt great. Kyle and I have started the process of looking at houses. We found a repossessed home that was in the area we were looking to live in. It is a really good price probably because it was a repossessed home. We drove by it and looked in the windows. I got the phone number/website from a sign on the window and I emailed the realtor she gave me the phone number of her partner and Kyle and I are going to go look at the house, :) We are starting the process and i am so excited.
We also went looking at dogs just to see them. We found a toy poodle just to look at and when I picked her up I felt a complete difference from Indie. The weight on that dog was different. She was running around and felt thick. I wish I knew what I know now... When we get a new house we are going to get a new dog :)
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Thursday, January 29th, 2009
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4:34 pm - stu stu
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Sometimes when I talk I feel like people look at me like I am stupid. I cant tell if I am stupid, say stupid things, people don't care what I am saying or if I am over reacting. I am the type of person who needs confirmation in classes and things. My biology teacher actually listens to me I feel but the other teachers and some of the students do not. Which is stupid on the Teachers part because if you tell me that I have to talk in your class as part of my grade for participation. I am going to participate. Because I do not want to lose any points because I was quite during class.
I need to catch up on my reading from this week. Last weeks is covered. I should be doing that right now but don't I deserve a little break when I get home from school? I didn't do as much this weekend as I think I should have. That needs to change because I am striving for A's. So far I am ok in that department Everything I have had returned to me has not been lower then a 90. I took the psych A test 2x and got a 90 twice. I want to try one more time. Just to make myself feel better. I want at least 19 out of 20 I keep getting 18. I know it is not much to complain about but I need leeway.
current mood:  frustrated
current music: After Glow- Inxs
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Monday, January 26th, 2009
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10:24 pm
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Today I feel strange. My brain is on a mush setting. I cant seem to come up with a clear thought. I want to express what my brain is screaming but I cant put any words to it. I am hungry, I wish that I could soak information up better then I do. It takes me so much time to get information in my head that i can regurgitate it for my tests. I need to get better at it... thats all I can get out on that.
I want it to be my turn
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Wednesday, January 21st, 2009
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9:22 pm - weird feelings
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Who would have guessed that if you added school, homework, and work to your daily life that you have no personal time. I never realized personal time was what was making me miserable. I had too much time to think. Now that I have less time I have felt better and my head is only swimming with anatomical terms and such haha. So my guess is that rant of life was more about boredom. I do have thoughts of wanting to leave here but if I had the ability to move now I would not have the time to do so.
Where does that leave me now? I dont know because I sang and smiled my whole way to school this morning. I thought about how much I loved Kyle and felt content. What a drastic change. I will tell you how I feel when I get settled in school that will make all the difference.
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Friday, January 16th, 2009
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2:15 pm - Rant 50 of 2009
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I did the math an apartment for a year would cost about 8400-10000 dollars. Crazy but true. My mom said that if I really want to I can move home. Obviously by myself no with Kyle. But I have a bad feeling about doing that. I may never see him at all. It is pretty sad if I would contemplate leaving him behind. I love him but I feel uncomfortable and I do not like answering to anyone when I am 24 almost 25 years old. I hate being treated like a child. I have no problem doing the things that I am supposed to when I am not being questioned all the time...
For example actual conversation
Her: What did you do with your sweater did you throw them in the dryer
Me: (sarcastically) Yes
Her: Why?!?
Me: I was kidding I hung them up I know what I am doing (As I imagined bashing my skull against the floor)
I looked over at Kyle and he didn't seem phased by it. I have no desire to do anything anymore... laundry, cooking grocery shopping. Everything I use to do. It is annoying her but I don't care. I have a hard time functioning in such conditions. I actually picked up my room today. It looks nice. Now that school is starting Monday I need to keep my room clean or I will have a hard time studying. The nice thing about school is that if I devote myself to school it will not be weird if I lock myself and study. I will have more of an excuse then "you are driving me crazy and why would I want to cook for you when you complain how I do things and that cook with too much mushrooms,onion and garlic. Well guess what I LIKE Garlic. I don't think it smells like BO. I love mushrooms and onions. I think they make food taste great. Why would I care if my laundry is piling up when how I do it is wrong anyway....WHY would I want to clean up my living space when you do not ever acknowledge the fact that I did it.
I know I have been ranting a lot but I am not happy if I had something to be happy about I would post that. I cant talk to anybody about all this especially Kyle because he knows how I feel yet he is not acting on it so it cant be that important that is why I need a miracle. Some money to fall into my lap that will allow me to escape because if this magic money doesn't appear it will be a long time before I can move out. I wont be done with school for a while and wont be able to support myself for a little longer. It is too bad they do not pay you during clincals you have to pay them. So unfortunate. I was told that during Clinicals you are not even supposed to work because you will be so busy. I hope that is not true because I really need some income to save to pay for me doing the clincals.
I always told myself I would never end up in a helpless situation well guess what I am in one and I don't even know how it happened. I just realized one day that I was dependent and stuck.
stuck stuck stuck
current music: Hanging around : Counting Crows
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Thursday, January 15th, 2009
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8:25 pm
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I was watching Sex and the City with my mother today and all the girls has their own apartments on their own. Just them. Miranda bought this big beautiful apartment on her own and they ask her all these weird questions because she is a single women that they wouldn't ask a man. That was the gist of her contribution to the episode but my point is that it made me seriously jealous. If I could get out here on my own and get an apartment I would. Just me if thats what it has to be. Kyle's job is not even secure now too which is an added stress. He has to apply for his own job in April and then wont know if he can keep it until most likely August. That means he probably wont want to get a place in between which freaking sucks. I need a miracle... I need something to get my out of here and into my own place. I had other things that I wanted to happen first but I" am starting to think this is my new hope. I wish I did not have debt; I wish I could be financially sound; I wish I could own my apartment/place; and I wish I didn't have to jump through anymore hoops. Why is life so complicated and why does it seem to work out better for everyone else. I know two at most friends who still live with their parents. Everyone else figures it out. I want to figure it out! It seems so ridiculous that I am in this position in the first place.
WHERE IS THE RESET BUTTON!!!
current mood:  anxious
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Tuesday, January 13th, 2009
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12:18 am - Rings and Ramblings
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Ok if I was to get engaged the ring would look like this...
It was on craigslist and I fell, I fell so fast.
It was elegant... probably large but I cant help the drool running down my face when I saw it. It was like the dress I saw at the bridal show this weekend. And no I do not torture myself with bridal shows I went with Hannah because she is getting married and I was invited. I just didn't go and plan a hypothetical wedding like a crazy girl. I did get a lot of cute ideas. Instead I am the wing girl again. Or I should say like usual. Heidi was there with replacement Maid of Honor it made me realize how much I suck that I cant even get a girl to want to keep me on as the biggest job of her wedding. Well it is not like I need more of a self esteem killer. I do well with that on my own.
Anyway marvel at the beautiful ring with me. There was more views then just that one but I did not feel like posting all four. haha. Because I am lazy and I do not want them all saved on my computer. I probably should be considering bed but I usually end up just laying there anyway thinking all the very things I am writing and wishing I was doing this very thing. Except when I say thing in my head in the dark they always sound better. More profound then when I actually get up and write them. I was watching a 20-20 special on these machines they put on people with Parkinson disease that read from their brains and speak for them or write it on the computer for them. That would be amazing if I could hook something up to my brain at night and let it write down all my thought and let me decipher them in the morning. I think that would be beneficial especialy when I am in school because if I ever have papers coming up I recite thesis statements in my head and then I never remember them later and I am always convinced the wording was so perfect. I am sorry I am rambling but I am allowing my head to just spill out on to this canvas.
I decided that when I have my own house I need a "creative" space. Where I can be creative and take pictures and paint murals and do all the things I love to do. I feel as if I am so caught in this current place that I am living in. I still feel like a guest in someone else's house. I think that by far is the worst part and why I don't like living here. If I clean I feel like I am working and cleaning for someone else and not for myself. At Randy's it felt a little more like home. Like it was my spot. I could have regular sex without being quiet. I could feel comfortable inviting my friends over or having a party. I have only really had my friends over 3 times in a whole year. Isn't that really pathetic and they never ask me why my friends don't come over. Maybe they thing I really don't have any friends. I don't really know but either way I feel isolated from feeling young and independent. I wish that I could make everything change. If I knew things would be better I would force myself to work full time get my benefits and go to school still get A's just so I could have an apartment. That is really all I want is a space to call my own. Or ours.
Kyles father told me his job security is not that good right now which means that he may leave the area. Even if they left I would still want to leave eventually because like I said before this is not my home and I do not feel like this is my home but a place that I live. Kyle does not understand that because he grew up here and this is his home. His parents are here, he is comfortable here. There has been so many times that I have considered just leaving this house and moving back with my parents without Kyle because I was sick of the living situation but I think as much as I don't want to be here I do not want to be without Kyle either. It is a lose-lose situation at the moment. Could I manage going to school and working full time? Just to get an apartment... I guess I will have to see after working a little while. The other reason why I did not want to do that was because of the fact I wanted to pay for school outright... I think I just keep losing haha.....
current mood: pensive
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Monday, January 5th, 2009
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2:51 pm - A little depressed
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I cant tell if I am overly depressed or overly lazy. But I have no motivation and I don't want to do anything I have to do. Everything just seems to be going wrong and I am just waiting for something to go right. I want to get a job and I need to put myself out there more. I have a few applications out and I had leads that were all squashed. I didn't feel so bad about everything when I had Indie because he took a lot of time and care. Now he is gone and all I am left with is are my regrets and wasted prayers. I feel like I have let everything go and I almost don't care. I just want my baby back. It is not fair that he had to live the life he had. He should be on my lap right now licking my face not freezing in the ground slowly losing what made him, him. I don't think there is anything I can take back that would save him other then having more money. If I had all the money in the world I could have sustained him... but then again what type of life is that to be sustained and never really living... I just cant say enough how much I want him back. How I wish he was here with me. I feel like I was cheated out of my dog...
current music: Frayed: Stillborn Skies
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Thursday, January 1st, 2009
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1:44 pm - Today is the beginning
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My cousins on both sides of the family got engaged within the last month. What the heck. I swear if my younger brother Brandon asks his girlfriend to marry him before I get engaged I will have a heart attack. I dont want to ruh things on this end I am just annoyed that all these people who have been dating a lot less then Kyle and I are already engaged. For F's sake some of them are already married. It is just crazy. I know this no large dilemma but I cant wait until its my turn. I want to have two kids and at least have my first before I am 30. I want at least 12=18 months to plan my wedding. I have five years before I get married. Even if he proposed next month I would have the year and 18 because of how summer falls to when he asked. so that would make me almost 26.5! Because I am 2 months away from my 25th. Plus you at least want to be married for a year or two before have a kid that brings me to 27-28. Perfect right. BUT its not happening. So if he waits a year I am so F'd and have a better chance of having kids that are not normal. I want beautiful normal healthy children. I would be a great mother I know that now having to have my mothering instincts kick in with my sick puppy. Sometimes I wonder if Kyle even thinks of this type of stuff or if he even wants to marry me. If he dosent want to, or if he dosent see it then he needs to tell me or figure that out because that would be wasting my time. I am the type of person that no matter how much it hurts I cant stay in a relationship that I don't see going anywhere. I am not getting younger, and if he dosent want me then I would need to start internet dating haha that seems to find you compatible men who want to get married as well haha. I love Kyle and he is all I want I am just stating a thought that has crossed my mind. He gets annoyed if we talk about this type of thing so I just keep to myself about it. A while there I thought he was majorly hinting but I dont think thats even happening in his brain anymore. Not since the puppy. I dont think he liked all the attention on the dog maybe he wouldnt mind as much if it was a child but I dont know that either. I just want to start my life with him I want to move out from where we are living and start living on our own and see if we can actually live together right now we have a buffer of other people but they wont be there when we are alone. I think things would be completely different. How do you go from commenting and leaving hints and then seeming not interested at all. I think it was just a keep Bethany happy scheme I dont know how much I believe he was really thinking about it. He was acting different then too maybe he was thinking about it and now thinking better of it. I just want to know what my future holds so I can do everything right the first time. For gods sake even Krypto got married this weekend. Grrrr. Oh and keep saying pictures of brand new baby's and pregnant mommy's that are my friends and I get excited for them but at the same time I get really bummed. I want that feeling too. I want to feel the flooded over joyed feeling of being a mom. I think I want that more then getting married haha. But I want to be married before I have kids I want to do it differnt. I keep almost losing this entry so I am done. hahaha
current music: Is anbody home? Our lady peace
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Wednesday, December 31st, 2008
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6:52 pm
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I wish I could say tomorrow will bring a new day. The start of a new year will change my life. But I cant promise any of the sort will be good. I am so pessimistic right now I hate how things have worked out. I just want to be happy. Is there a such things. I was always told people who have high anxiety or had a heart attack should get a dog it helps. I wanted Indie so bad and he was taken from me... so early. The worst part is that I want to sit at his grave but I cant because it is freezing and covered in snow. My dog is frozen and covered in snow... he wasn't even allowed to be in the cold or outside and now he is buried in the ground freezing and turning into the soil. I wish things didn't happen this way. I wish that I didn't have to fight this lady. I wish we could forget it. But we cant we cant allow her to do this to someone else. I just hate this feeling inside... I want it to end. But most of all I want my dog back. He is mine...
Tonight is new years eve. I am scared of ruining everyones night because these tears keep returning and my heart keeps bleeding for my angel...
current mood:  depressed
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1:22 pm - ...
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Why are people so awful. We live in a society that is tainted with evil and hate. Why do people manipulate others. Why cant there just be honestly and trust. I now truly know that someones word does not mean anything in this day in age. There is a saying a man is only as good as there word. A breeder gave me a dog told me he was vaccinated and healthy and ready to go home. None of which was true, the paper work she gave me was from another dog and my dog was too young to go home. Oh he eats on his own she says... the vet says there is no way he ever did. He was a very sick puppy and my sick puppy had to die. Now where is the justice in that I put truest in that breeder and now my dog is dead....
My new years resolution is to not be so naive...and not be too quick to trust another human being again. Not everyone values there morals and there word.
current mood:  numb
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Sunday, December 28th, 2008
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9:30 pm - Indie
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Indie had to be put down tonight, the doctors couldnt promise he would ever be well and wouldnt be in pain. I never thought an animal could be pale but he was very pale... and he couldnt even stand up. I loved him so much but I couldnt allow him to suffer just because I couldnt bare it, it was not fair to him. I buried him with his red blanket and his favorite toy. Thanks for all of your support. I love you all for caring
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Saturday, December 6th, 2008
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11:23 pm
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Well it turns out I love these Kokeshi dolls. They are so freaking cute I just got a really adorable one on ebay. I decided I am going to collect them. So below is the adorable one I bought. Coo over it because I am.
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Friday, December 5th, 2008
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9:31 pm
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Another friend engaged haha. Miss Hannah got engaged this weekend. I am so excited for her! Is it my turn yet? Haha. I hope that I have a cute engagement story to tell. I wouldnt want to be boring. We decided to get married and then got the ring that was my parents. Yay so exciting.
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Monday, July 16th, 2007
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12:44 pm - Awww childhoooooood
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Miss Susie had a steamboat
The steamboat had a bell
Miss Susie went to Heaven
The steamboat went to
Hello operator
Please give me number nine
And if you disconnect me,
I'll kick you right
Behind the refrigerator
There was a piece of glass
Miss Susie sat upon it
And it went right up her
Ask me no more questions
Tell me no more lies
The boys are in the girls' room
Zipping up their
Flies are in the meadow
The bees are in the park
They boys and girls are kissing in the
D-A-R-K
[fast] DARK, DARK, DARK
Dark is like a movie
A movie's like a show
A show is like a TV screen
And that is all
I know I know my mother
I know I know my pa
I know I know my sister
With the alligator bra!
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cutelittlefaery's journal